It’s been weeks and I can’t find the light, this being my internal light. I’m worried for me now but not scared cause I have always known how it would end especially when it got down to having zero family, zero friends. For 10 years I’ve got myself through this but I’m getting older, my 3 little ducks are getting older they now fill the shoes of two men and a woman I see them grow and change through social media it pains me to read of certain family celebrations and or milestones I can’t mentally and now physically cope with the pain, hurt, anger, imagine spending 10 years trying to understand knowing you never will.
I have to go into someone else’s light I know this is where I will find peace, I don’t need to say it my children they know how much I love them and miss them.
Firstly my diagnosis is complex PTSD and DELUSIONAL DISORDER
Being constantly stuck in my own head trying to process various aspects of my TRAUMA but instead of processing I was actually reliving various traumatic experiences I would be frightened, paranoid so I would often self medicate to stay asleep day n night a fucked life right. Then I found a place where there was no trauma a happy place, a safe place the way life should be. A delusional world in this delusional world my 3 children would be beside me we would laugh and talk my god I would even make dinner and set the table for the 4 of us sometimes I would stay in the deluded world for a day with the longest being a couple of weeks. I WILL TELL YOU I WAS ALWAYS AWARE OF MY OWN DELUSIONS, don’t confuse this with imaginary people because although aware it was very much real.
My psychologist is an amazing lady her and I both knew I couldn’t allow the deluded world to continually be the place of which I believed was the only place I could be truly happy.
This week I have started EMDR THERAPY
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy is an interactive psychotherapy technique used to relieve psychological stress. It is an effective treatment for trauma and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
It was exhausting I have approx 10-15 traumatic events to be treated and each one is done individually, I decided to start at the very beginning the day my then 11 year old baby girl phoned me to say they never wanted me to contact them again without explanation she hung up the phone. My negative belief at the start of the session was “I SHOULD OF DONE BETTER” The positive belief at the end of the session was “I DID THE BEST I COULD”
Let me tell you this true story I WAS AN AWESOME MUM, AND WITHOUT DOUBT I DID THE BEST I COULD.
How am I supposed to live without you? I knew today was coming, I knew I would not be OK.
I’m praying that I’m just not someone you used to know.
Used to it sure, like it no, deserve it no way, but I doubt even Humptys Kingsmen would waste their time putting me back together again.
6 years ago almost 7 I was a Mum raising 3 children, my kids were my everything, my world. We were a typical family in the north western suburbs of Sydney but add onto that my husbands extra marital affairs and there were lots of them the last one spanning over a couple of years I had no idea mind you if I knew back then what I know now anyway the marrige was a sham for almost the entire 17 years. My dear old father now deceased predicted just that.
So yesterday surrrounded by my kids chores, homework, the odd assignment they might of had for 3 or 4 weeks now due tomorrow but hey that’s what mums do, breakfasts, lunches and dinners and you can leave the table after you have eaten 10 more peas, wondering who’s turn it was to help clean up then realizing your standing in the kitchen alone. I remember growing up and it was a fight for the toilet at clean up time. You finally get to sit down with a cuppa when you hear Mum I need a orange t-shirt for school tomorrow and of course between 3 kids not one to be found a quick dash to the Kmart but hey that’s what mums do. I need 34 cupcakes for school tomorrow Mum what happened to 25 kids in a class but hey that’s what mums do. I always wanted to be a Mum one that was different to my own.
So today surrounded by nobody the silence deafening day in day out except for the noise in my head reliving what I’ve lost having been diagnosed with complex PTSD it’s the fondest of memories that keeps me sane., except in periods of being so stuck in your own head some of my thoughts I know are delusional that’s another part of my trauma delusional disorder but I will tell you I am very aware of my own delusions but it’s a course my mind travels in heightened periods of PTSD.
So tomorrow I think it’s safe to say I need to get through today first, and no matter how many tomorrows sadly I will not ever get to see yesterday when love was such an easy game to play now I need a place to hide away I wish I could believe in yesterday. It still has me ask the same question how in modern day society can a person get away with PARENTAL ALIENATION.. my 3 beautiful babies lied to, manipulated, brainwashed and I’m left with a broken heart a broken mind a broken woman.
Almost every second day I hear from yet another alienated parent, we feel each other’s pain as only the alienated can.
We band together worldwide yes it happens everywhere and it doesn’t discriminate, Mum or dad, makes me wonder if there are enough of us in this country for ya all to march into Parliament House in protest, you see the senators we voted for who promised to make a stand have failed, failed us and failed our children.
Below is a message I received today and right when I needed it, Dawn your timing was heaven sent.
When I had my second child Zachary the age gap between him and my first son Shayne was 5 years, having had 5 miscarriages in between.. Shayne asked “mummy when u coming home Imsaid in a day or so, he replied he can’t come home with you, u can leave him here, meaning the hospital.. Asit would turn out they were pretty close.
The pic below was a fundraiser for my eldest son school, why isn’t there father in he family portrait, apparently it was too beneath him to participate.
My dad who sadly passed away just adored his grandchildren, this is with his first, how he loved all of them.
The Picture below speaks for itself… what the hell did he do to them to take this away
5 hours of sheer pain, but it was the only way I could carry them with me forever.
2 months before she was due I went in for an ultrasound, something was wrong I could tell just by looking at the persons face doing the ultrasound, two more people entered the room there was silence. I was then told that my baby had to be delivered urgently or They may loose the baby or worse both of us. They explained that the placenta had leaked outside of the womb via scar tissue from 2 previous caesarean births, and it was invading my organs bladder, kidneys, liver.
The medical terminology is PLACENTA ECRETA rarely seen in Modern countries, more cases reported in 3rd world.
We had just moved to Melbourne and I was at Monash Hospital, word had got out about my case and We are both alive today because the best surgeons, Professors put there hand up to deliver my baby. Surgery went for about 8 hours, I was under general anesthesia the actual delivery of my beautiful baby girl took around 45 minutes, but I had complications, I bled out and Doctors told my dad I was a fighter cause we nearly lost her. I had to have a hysterectomy, stints inserted, 3 blood transfusions. And as in intensive care for some time. She was little, and she always called me Mumma.
11 years later the narcissistic bastard rips her from me and I wish I had of died that day, just like I wish everyday since she’s been gone.
When it happens your numb, confused, in a state of panic. And for me I literally fell to pieces, like the song by Robbie Williams “COME UNDONE”
I didn’t know how to contact them, find them and with no court orders the law wasn’t on my side.
The phone call came from my daughter then aged 11. “Don’t pick us up from school tomorrow, we don’t want you Picking us up again we don’t want to see you anymore” The line went dead. Mobile phone numbers were changed.
I spiralled down a road of self destruction and can honestly say that I wanted to die. My family were of no support, my dad had just passed away, more grief I had to deal with, my dad was my rock and we were very close needless to say I then completely broke down.
I never suffered from mental illness I was always employed at the time I was a purchasing manager, now I suffer diagnosed Complex PTSD & Borderline Schizophrenia. The Alienator inflicted this on me, and I’m told I cannot make him accountable, no recourse, I now live by myself and my cat, social anxiety also lives here sadly I have gone from a family with my 3 children to having a very lonely existence. Now if he had of kicked the crap out of me, stabbed me or the likes the law would of protected me. This epidemic is out of control and the courts, the legal system is failing us. I want to know why I can’t make him be accountable for mentally ruining me?
If your husband leaved you for another woman the Marriage is clearly over so why does he still want to control the wife he no longer wishes to be married to. And how does the homewrecker not see this happening. Its clear the mind of the narcissist is devoted to two people one to love and one to destroy.
I had been cheated on for 17 years and I mean the entire marriage. He has broken up homes, my best friend married 4 children gutted by the deceit. Her husband a great bloke caught them in bed together, I wish he had of shared the information at through time it would of changed the course of history for me and my 3 children and given me back 5 wasted years.
I know know the lies of working late, interstate travel, dinners, the list goes on were all a fabrication in his secret world of women. AndI believed him why because I didn’t see any reason whatsoever he would lie to me, because it wasn’t just me he was lying to it was his family his children.
He and the homewrecker went on to marry had a child and that’s great I hope he treats her well and not the doormat I was the one that put up with the drunken confrontations, and lies. I then ask myself how could this woman now herself a mother condone the alienation of another mother, does she ever wonder if one day it could be her, I guess it just shows the poor character of these people.
I have finally released the control of this narcissistic bastard and thanks to Veterans Affairs am in trauma counselling for severe PTSD. My heart will be forever broken but to gain the tools to have empowerment over my pain I can learn to live again.