On my way to hell

Smoking ICE for almost 2 years solid had me homeless on the street, hungry , cold and very scared, prior to this I lost the only man who loved me without question my dad, it wasn’t real I couldn’t get a grip on it, I was so much like my dad and I know for sure I am alive today because he wouldn’t let me give up he was there with me, I knew I was a fighter, strong in my own mind I never knew how strong till now.  I had all but destroyed my relationship with my mum I loved my mum but I would tell her it should of been her dead not my dad. I didn’t mean it but I wanted to see her hurt actually see it she doesn’t show emotion I couldn’t see her grieving. I knew if I stayed on the street much longer I would die, I rang my mum and asked her to get me out of there.  I moved to where she was living still on that road to hell.  I knew mum didn’t really want me there, she wanted to be alone she needs to grieve but she just wouldn’t let it go.  I had been off the drugs for a while after being there but of course I managed to find them and here I was back in them again but within about a month the worst would happen walking down the street psychosis would hit me I was out the front of the AOD clinic at the time and I ran in there and begged for help.. And help is what I got. Diagnosed with delusional paranoia a nicer terminology to schizophrenia. I put myself into rehab but only lasted 2 weeks and yes back on it again. eventually breaking the cycle and rebuilding it’s not easy I have diagnosed Post traumatic stress disorder, anxiety disorder, social anxiety a fear of people my life is isolated and every night before I go to sleep I pray that I dont wake up. The days are long the nights are scary I sleep with the light on I am afraid of the dark.

Everyday I ask myself what the fuck did he say to my 3 children to make them hate me so, I think back to my childhood not a thing in this world would ever make me stop loving my mum.

Author: my3littleducksnevercameback

A mum destroyed, I can't find a happy place in my heart or mind it never gets easier.. 6 years on and the pain I just can't take anymore.

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